Bulletproof Sombreros

Who Let Tiger Out Of His Cage?

2010-02-17T18:28:00.004-05:00

You guys are lucky you follow a blog like BPS. While people are speculating what Tiger is going to say on Friday at his exclusive press conference, we have been using Loisaida technology to take a sneak peak at what Tiger had to say at his return to the public spotlight this Friday. Take a look at the transcript:

Tiger: First of all, I would like to thank everyone that has come out today in support of my return to professional golf. Thank you to my sponsors Nike and Tag Heuer for sticking by me. Although I am flattered by Trojan I will have to decline your sponsorship at this time. I have spent the last few months having to live with the decisions I have made. I am deeply apologetic to the most important woman in my life, my 4...mmhmm...2 children, and...oh yeah my wife, Elin. This whole situation has affected so many people I care about. I am working diligently to make amends and change the way I live my life. I plan on making my return to golf in the only way I know how, stealing all the attention at Augusta for the Master's. I have been able to get back into my training routine and plan on being in better shape than ever. That is all I have to say for now. I look forward to seeing everyone at Augusta. Thank you, now I have to go accept my AVN Lifetime Achievement Award

Well you heard it here first. Don't bother watching on Friday.

Krypto-Nate changing his colors?

2010-02-17T10:46:00.004-05:00

There has been alot of trade buzz surrounding the Celtics in the last few weeks. The Celtics have been struggling of late with players spending more time in the training room than on the court. There has been a lack of consistancy that has caused my man DA to look for a shake up that can spark the C's back into their winning ways. At the center of the trade talk has been the silkiest smooth shooter of the Big Three, Ray Allen. It seems like trades involving my fellow UConn Alum have died down but where when rumor ends another begins. Nate Robinson has been in the cross-hairs of the Stormin' Mormon. So could Krypto-Nate actually be living up to his name and making the jump to green? In order to obtain Robinson it looks like we would have to give up a combination of fan favorites in Brian Scalabrine, Eddie House, and Tony Allen. I don't believe Nate Robinson would be the answer. Yes Nate Robinson may be a better defensive back up point gaurd than Eddie House, with the ability to get to the basket and throw down. But I love seeing a look with Eddie, Ray, and Rahseed. Three players capable of delivering dagger at any time. Nate would add a WOW factor but I want to see if this team can pull it together again and bring home 18.

Titty Twitter Tuesday

2010-02-16T10:44:00.006-05:00

(No actual titties involved in this post)

Since Bulletproof Sombreros was last active Twitter has developed to the forefront of social networking. A website keeps everyone updated on the miniscule events of everyones lives 140 characters at time...blah blah blah. While we all know what twitter is not many people know or understand how to truly utilize it. Titty Twitter Tuesday will give everyone ideas of who is really burning up the tweets and who makes twitter really entertaining.

Today's TTT will get things rolling with my top 3 most entertaining tweepls (you better get the lingo down).

1. @shhdontellsteve - This is the twitter account Jim from the office would create to let the world know about Dwight. This account was created by a guy to monitor the rediculousness that is his roomates life. From the moronic things he says to the follies of his love life, you will find yourself intrigued by what steve is going to do next and constantly updating yourself to make sure you didn't miss any of the gold that Steve doesn't even realize he is producing

2. @shitmydadsays - This is an example of how the power of twitter can actually be flipped into a career opportunity. While most people use twitter to give people an insight into the deliciousness of their huevos rancheros some can find the aspects of their lives that are actually interesting to the people around them. Justin has used his greatest inspiration, his dad, to a new project developing a TV show based on his twitter account. The curt words of wisdom that come from his dad make for a very entertaining and educational experience.

3. @YukonFox, @LoisaidaSam, @MorrisBlue, and @RealTylerSidell - Well you obviously have to follow the members of Bulletproof Sombreros.

We rock Twitter so you might as well too. Its going to be fun...

Allow Myself to Re-Introduce...Myself

2010-02-13T00:44:00.007-05:00

(Loisaida Sam enjoying his hiatus in East River Park)

I know what you’re thinking, who do these guys think they are? They think they can just steal our hearts all over again? Can they be as amazing as they once were? And the answer is Bulletproof Sombreros, yes, and you thought we were amazing? You are so nice.

Well we took a hiatus for the last year or so to reinvent ourselves and truly discover the world. Now we are back to share the wealth of our knowledge with the rest of the blogosphere. We have been to the ends of the earth and back, experiencing the wonders of the world others can only dream about. We have taken the time sit in East River Park and admire Brooklyn from a distance. Walked cautiously along 14th street. Dipped our toes in the crystal waters of Hamilton Fish Park. These adventures, as exciting as they sound, have fine tuned our minds and streamlined our ability to bring the most interesting and fan friendly topics the attention to the Bulletproof Public.

Now sit back, relax, and enjoy the show....one sporadically posted rambling at a time.

Weeeee'rrrrrre Baaaaaack!!!!!!!!!

2010-02-12T23:47:00.003-05:00

Current Loisaida Playlist, 18 March 2009

2009-03-18T17:26:00.002-04:00

Current Loisaida Playlist
18 March 2009

Cut Copy - In Ghost Colours (in preparation for Saturday night's show!!)
Grizzly Bear - Veckatimest - "Cheerleader" (leaked: http://www.mbvmusic.com/mp3/gbear-cheer.mp3)
Tor / Sufjan Stevens - Illinoize (available for free at http://illinoize.biz)
Kid Couture - P&P presents "Mixed Tapes of '08"
Phish - Live in Hampton, VA 2009-03-08
The Ting Tings - We Started Nothing

Also I'm super jealous of everyone at SXSW this week

Loisaida Sam's Top Albums of 2008

2009-03-18T17:17:00.001-04:00

I'm gonna start posting on here again. Here's a refresher since last time we spoke..

Loisaida Sam's Top Albums of 2008:
(in alphabetical order)

Dear Science (TV On The Radio)
Everything Is Borrowed (The Streets)
Evil Urges (My Morning Jacket)
Fleet Foxes (Fleet Foxes)
For Emma, Forever Ago (Bon Iver)
In Ghost Colours (Cut Copy)
Invisible Baby (Marco Benevento)
Jukebox (Cat Power)
Let Live & Let Ghosts (Jukebox The Ghost)
Live (Brad Mehldau Trio)
Með Suð Í Eyrum Við Spilum Endalaust (Sigur Rós)
Microcastle (Deerhunter)
Santogold (Santogold)
Saturdays = Youth (M83)
Something For All Of Us (Brendan Canning)
Vampire Weekend (Vampire Weekend)
Youth Novels (Lykke Li)

Ron Artest Likes to "Interact" with the fans

2008-12-08T15:55:00.005-05:00

Alright so I'm actually a big fan of Ron Artest's Video Blog on HipHopGame.com. While I've never been a proponent of his game or his attitude, his views on the Music Industry are refreshing and insightful. For example, Artest is a self-proclaimed "street dude" who loves "that real hip-hop." However, in his 4th blog entry, instead of dismissing the new Kanye album 808's and Heartbreak, (which we here at BS have enjoyed for the past two weeks) he says he'll buy a copy of the album and give it a listen before stamping a review on it. In today's music industry, people jump to conclusions about entire albums based on singles and reviews without ever listening to whole albums (this new Kanye album may be the ultimate example of that) and I'm fucking sick of it. Don't tell me you "liked the old Kanye" if all you've heard from the new album is "Love Lockdown." Musicians progress. It's the only way they stay viable. How many career changes has Madonna underwent? And she's still selling records. Justin Timberlake is the only member of *N Sync who branched out, embracing the R&B and hip-hop worlds after crossing over from pop, and now he's on top of the game, while Lance Bass is just trying to get to the moon or the finals of dancing with the stars or whatever the fuck else.

So listen to the new Kanye album before you say you want the old Mr. West back.

But I digress. In Artest's lates video entry, he has a great line in relating the entertainment he provides to fans to the entertainment musicians provide to fans. Just after the 10:30 mark, Artest concedes to the fact that he sometimes will play for the fans, give them a hi-five, or generally interact with the fans. Check it out for yourself. If you've never seen Crazy Pills' Video Blog, it's an entertaining watch.

Really Ron-Ron? You want to bring up "interacting with the fans?" Just that phrase coming out of your mouth makes me shudder. If you don't know why, you're lucky. And if you've never seen this video, sorry for posting it. You'd probably be better off not knowing that this ever happened.

I don't mean to make light of one of the darkest moments in NBA history, but come on ,you gotta admit he could have chosen his words a little better.

Breaking News: O.J. Simpson Sentenced to.....Live blogging

2008-12-05T13:01:00.005-05:00

I have been glued to the TV today watching the Juice's sentencing. It has been very reminiscent of 4th grade when our teachers actually stopped class and allowed us to watch the ruling on O.J.'s previous brush with the law (good teaching skills). I think you remember that one, right?

The judge in this case just said, "I'm not here to sentence Mr. Simpson for what's happened in his life previously in the criminal justice system." She then went on to say, "I have to respect what happened in the case thirteen years ago with Mr. Simpson. The jury decided. There are many people who disagree with that verdict, but that doesn't matter to me."

yeah right!!!! you tell 'em judge!!!

The sad part is that she's not believable. She just reiterated that she's not here to allow for retribution or payback from the previous O.J. case. WOW you already said it once lady. Do you think the more you say it the more people will believe you? O.J. is about to get sentenced on numerous counts of armed robbery, breaking and entering, and kidnapping with a deadly weapon. But really? murder.

They're sentencing "Mr. Stewart," right now, one of O.J.'s accomplices and it sounds like the dude got numerous YEARS in jail. I can't really tell, because sentences are running concurrent with each other and are measured in months. Also all of the counts have minumum and maximum terms.

O.J. looks stone-faced and is shaking his head "no" as he gets sentenced. I just heard a "fixed term of 15 years" in there twice. There's a minumum term of 60 months thrown in there too! Holy shit O.J. is getting rocked this time. Another minimum term of 60 months! Holy shit! I'm waiting to hear from Roger Cossack right now about how many years this all adds up to....Now he's explaining the difference between consecutive and concurrent like were fucking morons. We know, Rog. Just give us the cold, hard facts.

Bottom line: O.J. is spending at least 9-10 years in prison with numerous years of parole afterwards if he gets out that early.

What for? You be the judge.

Tribute

2008-11-18T11:19:00.004-05:00

Hola, BS fans. We haven't posted for a few days so I'm gonna keep the content rolling with this little tribute I found on YouTube.

It's Been A Long Time....

2008-11-12T16:17:00.005-05:00

We shouldnnnna left you.

Hiya kiddies! Novembeard is in full swing, and we here at BS have been so busy fashioning our facial hair that we haven't gotten at you in a minute.

Whoops! There's Debbie. (c) "The Life and Times of Tim, 2008."

Now for those of you who don't know, that's Tupac adorning the head of our man Hova. (sweet hat). Hov has taken to Novembeard with us, cuz he's the fucking man. Seriously, testosterone running through our bodies and out of our faces makes us cooler than you. Plus his beard is good, no? Check out the progress of all of the Novembeard contestants at http://novembeard.dev.kargo.com/

Mo Blue's Top 10: Top 10 Phonte Coleman Lines

2008-11-06T12:36:00.009-05:00

Anyone who has ever discussed music with me knows that I have a serious man-crush on two people: Drummer Zach Velmer from Sound Tribe Sector 9, and Rapper/Singer Phonte Coleman from the hip-hop duo Little Brother. While I have spent hundreds of dollars and weeks of my life following Sound Tribe, I have spent many more hours dissecting Phonte's raps. There are probably better rappers in the history of hip-hop than Phonte, (Big L anyone?) but Phonte is the rapper I can relate to, point blank period. For evidence, I submit my ten favorite Phonte lines for your consideration....You be the judge:

10) "I am retail's nightmare/Young, black and just don't give a fuck/I just want my discount, give it up/20% off slacks and all clothes/I just took this job to spice up my wardrobe" - "Last Day," off the And Justus For All mixtape.

In this track, Phonte kills the Dead Prez feat. Onyx "Last Days" beat (good choice 'Te). He chronicles his time working at a department store by breaking down the way that the different races interact with each other within the store. What ensues is a genuinely hilarious look at racism. What's that? You're not down with racism? It's ok, at the beginning of the track, Phonte can be heard saying "Don't get offended at this track, I'm an equal opportunity racist. I hate all y'all."

9) "And they say that money change you/But money don't change you/It just makes you more of who you already are." - "That Ain't Love" feat. Jozeemo off the Getback album

If you've ever known someone who didn't have dough and then got a little dough, I think you'd probably agree.

8) "One night we was out in my whip/With some broads, just chilling, playing demos and shit/Asked 'em how I sounded rockin' the mic/One chick told me all she listen to is beats, thank God for 9th!/Tryin' to get it pressed on vinyl/Cuz motherfuckers buy your CD, turn around, and don't even know the song title/Like track 2 is hot! But track 6 is long/Ain't even listening, I'm hopin' I get proved wrong." - "The Listening" off The Listening album.

For a long time I felt like this, that no matter how much garbage you spit, as long as you have a good ear for beats, you could be successful in hip-hop. Let's call this "the Dipset Era," because those fools, Cam'Ron especially, made a killing for 3-4 years off of saying nothing over beats like "Oh Boy" and "Down & Out," certified club bangers. In this excerpt, Phonte shouts out 9th Wonder, who was doing all of the beats for the group at the time, and identifies a well-documented problem of the Compact Disc era, when lyrics and songs took a back seat to beats and albums.

7) "Y'all can't do it like 'Te do it/I can't stop, won't stop, like a Ford Explorer without the brake fluid." - "The Get Up " off of The Listening album.

In this line, Phonte turns a tired ass hip-hop cliche (How many times have you heard "can't stop, won't stop" since the 'Puff Daddy' era?) into a slick simile.

6) "Mama was like 'baby, now I hate to see your tears/But I been with your daddy for 'bout 35 years/And in my day I had to turn a blind eye to cheatin'/But I ain't never have to wear no black eyes from beatin's/As long as he doin' right by you and your kids/How you gon' expect that man not to be who he is/I ain't sayin' that it's right/But we often pay the price/Cuz a woman's life is love, a man's love is life.'" - "Breakin' My Heart" feat. Lil' Wayne off the Getback album.

Throughout the Little Brother catalog, there are a few times when it is apparent to me that Phonte came up with a hot line and then worked backwards to set up that line. In this verse, Phonte quotes the mother of his girlfriend while trying to comfort her, basically saying that as long as Phonte takes care of her, she might have to deal with a little infidelity. It all leads up to the best one-liner on Getback, "Cuz a woman's life is love, a man's love is life."

5) "We started making money, doing some traveling/But at home my family live was steady unraveling/Me and old girl wasn't seeing eye to eye, just shacking up laying thigh to thigh." - "Next Day," Hiphopsite.com bonus track.

If you've never been in a slightly dysfunctional relationship where basically the only thing that was working was the sex, you're lucky. 99% of us have, and it sucks. 'Te really strikes a chord with this one.

4) "I take this shit personally/I'm making moves/But this treadmill lifestyle ain't working for me." - "Speed" off of The Listening album.

My life in a nutshell. I fucking scream this line every time I listen to this song.

3) "Ima put it on wax and give you the raw facts and truth about life and the things I'm dealin' with/Black folks saying that I'm too intelligent/And white folks saying I'm a little too n*ggerish/It's got me in a strange predicament/I wish BET and MTV would judge more wisely/But I don't know whats worse/The fact that they ain't playing our shit?/Or the fact that it don't even surprise me?/Because I ain't shuckin' and cuz I ain't jivin'/Some of these crackers won't stand beside me/And cuz I ain't killing and don't support pimping/Some of these n*ggas wanna call me a Cosby/Well? I'll be that dude/I'll scratch that itch/I'll play that role/Call me Heathcliff, bitch!" "Boondock Saints" off the Separate but Equal mixtape.

When Little Brother released its first video off of the Minstrel Show album, "Lovin' It," BET refused to air it. It was widely publicized that BET had issued a press release saying that the video was "Too intelligent" for its viewers. In all fairness to BET, no such press release has ever been located. However, the video never aired until months past the peak of its popularity, and the damage had been done. In this verse, Phonte just shits on those fools, plain and simple. Maybe LB is too intelligent for the 106 & Park crowd.

2) "Used to have a fetish for weed, women, and grapes, and I liked them all seedless." - "On the Way" off The Chitlin' Circuit 1.5 mixtape.

Pure gold. If you don't like this line, you and I probably wouldn't get along.

1) "Sometimes I think I'm from another world/When I'm trying to tell a woman just exactly where I stand at/I want a girl when I want a girl/And when I don't want a girl I want a girl who understands that." - "Slow it Down" off The Minstrel Show album.

Again, pure Michael Phelps. When I first heard this line, I ran it back probably 5-6 times. I've dissected it every way possible, and the fact of the matter is that it's still one of my favorite lines ever.

Did I forget any? Feel free to let me know...

The Life and Times of Tim

2008-11-05T21:47:00.004-05:00

If your bored with the same 'ol, same 'ol tv that is out there whether it be those high budget crime dramas, high paid actors doing shitty comedies, or high budget quality cartoon sitcoms, BS has stumbled upon a gem for all those high people. While some people may have been on this for a minute, we just discovered the most recent gem of HBO known as The Life and Times of Tim. LTT brings a refreshing brand of comedy to a network known for pumping quality long-living series'. Maybe its just our sense of humor but we believe this show is comedic gold and you don't even have to sacrifice your attention span. Each show consists of 2 episodes crammed into a 22 minute span (you have to at least put a little effort into your tv watching). It is still in its first season but generally the first season is always the best on these shows so make sure you catch it while everybody thinks they are getting in at the beginning. Enjoy

And Tim's beard is a preview of what Sam's beard will look like by November 25th.

HallowBean

2008-11-05T21:38:00.005-05:00

Shout out to the Jamaican Bobsled team for hosting us for an amazing event up there in Boston. Here are exclusive pics of them on their gold medal run.

I See Pride! I See Power!

Looking Ahead

2008-11-04T18:47:00.006-05:00

As this election year comes to an end certain things are looking clear. The race for the white house starts earlier and earlier with each turn. I feel like we started nominating candidates in '06 and made up our decisions by '07. So this amigo is going above and beyond my call of duty as a true American. Unlike most uneducated voters I already know who I am going to vote for in '12 and am working on '16. So all you people out there think your too cool are doing yourselves a disservice to your country and you need to get off your asses and educate yoursleves. I am going to keep my votes to myself but if you don't tell me who your voting for and it is different than what i am voting for than you're stupid.

And you better believe I know who I'm voting for in 2020.

The Political Confusor T

2008-11-04T14:54:00.009-05:00

Do you ever find yourself frustrated with all the hubbub about the election? Do people constantly ask you "Who are you going to vote for?" "Did you see CNN last night?" "What party are you registered with?" "Did you vote today?" etc. Do you ever wish you could just tell them to shut the fuck up?

We do too. Here at Bulletproof Sombreros, we've created what we like to call...

The Political Confuser T

Sparking indifference, confusion, and aggravation all at once, this T shirt tells political activists right where they can shove that voting machine lever...

NOVEMBEARD

2008-11-04T14:07:00.008-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, Novembeard is in full swing. Shout out to Jeremy from Kargo for putting this amazing site together that chronicles how good everyone's beard is. While Novembeard may stop me from getting a job for the month of November, it will bring me great satisfaction and more ladies than I can count on one finger. For this I am grateful. So please, bookmark it, set it as your homepage, do what you've got to do to get down. And remember, if you missed out on participating in Novembeard, Mustache March is right around the corner.....

NBA Preview: Celtics @ Rockets, Tonight, 8:30pm

2008-11-04T12:54:00.005-05:00

Have fun watching the election tonight, suckas! I can't stand that stupid little U.S. map and the states turning red and blue, it looks like the two candidates are playing a U.S. version of risk or some shit. Come to think of it, that would be a way more interesting way to decide the election than this arbitrary electoral college bullshit. I'd be much more comfortable knowing that our President is capable of running our nation if he knew how to properly allocate all his troops throughout the south and the midwest. So while the rest of the world is glued to Anderson Cooper's 41-year old gray head, I'll be glued to the Celtics @ the Rockets at 8:30pm.

Ever since the Rockets acquired Ron Artest this offseason, there has been talk of a "New Big 3" in the NBA, with Houston following the Celtics' lead in putting together a trio of superstars (Yao, Tracy McGrady, Crazy Pills Artest). Tonight, we get the first match-up of these heavy-hitting triumvirates in Houston. The Celtics are coming off their first double-digit loss of the season to Danny Granger's two front teeth, and with only 3 double-digit losses all year last season, Celtics nation is abuzz with doubt. On the other side of the coin, the Rockets have started 3-0 and Artest has had seemingly no problems gelling with the new squad. Granted, two of the Rockets' wins have come against the Thundahh and the Grizz, but they had one impressive win over Dallas, including an almost-fight between Crazy Pills and the NBA's other side-show, Josh Howard of weed smoking/drag-racing/national anthem-bashing infamy. Celebrity deathmatch anyone? I'd watch.

But tonight's showdown seems to pose a serious match-up problem for the Celtics. Let's turn to the starting lineups:

Rockets:
PG Rafer Alston
SG Tracy McGrady
SF Crazy Pills
PF Luis Scola
C Yao Ming

Celtics:
PG Rajon Rondo
SG Ray Allen
SF Paul Pierce
PF Kevin Garnett
C Kendrick Perkins

Now ideally, the Celtics would have their three best players guarding the Rockets' three best players. But clearly this poses a matchup problem for the C's. How? If KG steps over to guard Yao, that leaves Perkins to guard Luis Scola/Carl Landry. Yikes. Neither of these guys, especially Scola, are lightning quick, but Perk is much slower than both and would get eaten up by either of them. So that leaves Perk on Yao and KG on Scola, which is kind of a toss-up. Both are mismatches, but with Perk coming off a zero point, three-rebound performance in Indiana, the nod goes to the Rockets.

This matchup also makes me miss James Posey. A lot. While Ray-Ray did a decent job defensively against Kobe in the finals last year, McGrady is two inches taller than Kobe and he gets more assists per game. Where Pierce has proven his defensive prowess by locking down LeBron in the Eastern Conference Finals last year, Allen is a shooter, and the team seemed to really get a defensive boost from Posey coming off the bench and locking down whoever the Celtics needed him to defend. Look for Tony Allen to come in early for defensive purposes, which makes sense on paper, but if you ask 10 Celtics fans how they feel about this move, 10 out of 10 will not be comfortable with it.

As for the PG slot, it's a classic match-up of two undersized, under-appreciated ball-handlers who both have playground type skills. Rafer "Skip to my Lou" Alston is a better scorer than Rajon "Everytime you do that behind the back fake pass then take it to the hole for a lay-up I cringe a little bit" Rondo (That's really his nickname, no joke). But Rondo is a better defender, so look for a good match-up in the PG slot.

The benches are pretty even, with a slight nod going to the Rockets for acquiring "Crispy" Von Wafer in the offseason. I mean, how good is that name? Seriously.

Prediction: Rockets, 91 - Celtics, 83

Viva La Hova

2008-11-04T11:10:00.003-05:00

We here at BS are real stoked about Mick Boogie's most recent project, "Viva La Hova." This is a fusion of Jay-Z lyrics and beats derived from Coldplay's music. So basically, if you like music, you will like this album. Download it here or listen to it on this page in the sidebar, and set your face to stunned.

Election Day Motivation

2008-11-04T10:37:00.004-05:00

Well, it's Election day.....

Let me start by saying I respect everyone's decision on this election day. Good for you if you have made a decision about this election that you feel strongly about. I have made a decision about this election, too. I choose not to discuss it most of the time because it's a personal decision and I don't think I need to be shoving my agenda in someone else's face. That being said, I have to take a second to vent. Excuse me while I go get a 30-rack.

SERIOUSLY, though, do you think if you change your facebook status so that it says "I am the 50 billionth person to donate their status to tell you to vote for Obama." That that's really going to get someone off their ass? "Holy shit, man, did you see how much Brett cares about Obama? He donated his facebook status to him! I mean, he could have used his status to tell everyone what he was doing today or to publicize his favorite Dave Matthews Band quote to all of his friends, but instead he copy and pasted some shit in there in support of Obama! Man, I wasn't gonna vote before today but now I feel like I have to. What a sacrifice!"

SERIOUSLY, do you think you're going to motivate ANYONE to get off my his or her ass and vote by sending them an "Urgent" text message that says "People who love their country can change it! Make sure everyone you know votes today for Barack Obama!" Fuck off. SERIOUSLY, if I could, I would reach across my phone and smack the shit out of you. Blow me.

No, SERIOUSLY, blow me.

I stumbled across this little gem on Craigs' List yesterday on a hot tip. All you Facebook and text message campaigners, take note. This is by far the most motivational scheme I've ever seen.

When you read this, think about all of the text messages and facebook updates you donated to Barack Obama and ask yourself if you've really done everything possible to get out the vote.

Who do I support in the election? This broad.

"Blowjobs for Obama - w4m - 22

Reply to: pers-903864836@craigslist.org ^[?]
Date: 2008-11-03, 10:13AM EST

I realize this is a safe blue state, but in a last ditch effort to spread the good word of Obama and offer up my totally awesome blowjob to anyone (especially Republicans) who vote for Barack Obama for president tomorrow!

My blow job is so good, I could probably get McCain to vote for Obama, assuming it didn't stop his heart dead cold.

Palin too, for that matter because I rock at that as well.

And while I can only have a local reach in this effort, it'd be awesome to see if this could spread around the country and have there be lots of blowjobs for Obama.

Yes we can!

ETA: Wow, this is really popular so far. I'm sorry I won't be able to get to all the Republicans and undecided voters (I only have so much free time), but keep on with the Democratic spirit guys!

ETA: Thanks everyone for the replies! Count 3 of NY's votes for Obama as my doing. :) As for everyone else who I couldn't respond to/blow (there were over 100 responses!) I hope you'll consider some of Obama's good points as you head into the booths tomorrow."

Now SERIOUSLY, that's motivation. Fuck your text message. I need a beer.

Happy Halloween (BS Style)

2008-11-01T16:50:00.005-04:00

Coming to you straight from Boston we are prepping for what is sure to be a spooktacular/drunktastic night put on by our Beantown connection, the boys of Super house. We have only been here for about 20 hours but we have already had an amazing time and this party tonight is looking to be of epic proportions. Yes we realize Halloween was last night but we had re-write the calendar for this one. We will definitely have pics of tonight because we have already been thoroughly impressed by the effort that our amigos have gone through to make this night amazing. All I can say is a bobsled was constructed for this event. The party should be starting soon. If we don't make it out alive just know we at BS love all our faithful readers. That means you Bobby Digital.

P.S. NovemBEARD updates are on their way.

Sager Loves Halloween

2008-10-31T12:48:00.008-04:00

While performing my usual late October "watch every NBA game that's on TV" routine, I stumbled across this little gem last night during the Hornets/Suns game:

Ooooooooooooooooh WEEEEEEEE! Sager, you have outdone yourself. Just in case it wasn't obvious that the pumpkin-pie toned jacket/tie combo didn't get the point across that this was your special Halloween suit, you threw on a white pocket square complete with a blinging pumpkin attched to it. How do professional athletes take you seriously when you try to interview them? No, really, how does TNT/TBS continue to let you wear this shit? It's worse than when TBS made us all sit through 20 minutes of the Steve Harvey show at the beginning of game 6 of the ALCS this year due to some bullshit power outage. (By the way, the comedian's name is Steve Harvey, it's called the Steve Harvey show, and yet Steve Harvey's character in the show is called Steve Hightower. Huh???)

But I digress. Sager is obviously a man's man with a fashion sense rivaled only by NHL analyst Don Cherry, which is why he would clearly make an amazing Halloween costume. (And a guaranteed lay, ladies love them some Sager.) You could obviously go with numerous ridiculous get-ups to channel Sager, but the following idea is my favorite:

- Purple suit
- 2 car batteries
- Enough Christmas lights for 50 foot tree
- Inappropriate boner

Happy Halloween Kiddies!

Sorry Obama People....

2008-10-30T17:16:00.007-04:00

But this idea is just stupid. It makes me angry. It actually makes me want to NOT vote for Obama, even though I would never think of voting for McCain.

I got an e-mail this morning from "My friend Kristen," called "Kristen sent you a video." Now, I have one friend Kristen, but I was a little skeptical that she would bother to send me a video. Turns out I was right. AGAIN. Here's the e-mail in its entirety.

Dear Derek,

Your friend Kristen sent you the following video from CNNBC: "Obama's Loss Traced To Derek Roy"

Watch it here:

http://www.cnnbcvideo.com/index.html?nid=MJlA.SVhx6WOh5tZCMlERDczMTM4MzU-&referred_by=12776232-LuAl5hx

** This message certified virus-free by ViruMail 2.1 **

When I followed the link (you should too), I immediately realized what the video was: A fake report from November 7th, 2008 (that's in the future! someone is gonna invent a time machine in the next week! YAY!) titled "Obama's Loss Traced to Derek Roy." I could try to explain how stupid this video is, but I recommend you watch it for yourself to truly understand.

I'm not even going to address that this video is A) Not Funny. 2) Not technically possible due to the Electoral College and numerous other reasons that I dont want to get into. D) Really fucking annoying spam.

If this little piece of shit viral marketing campaign is endorsed by Obama, I just lost alot of respect for the man. I hope for all of our sakes that it isn't.

*The views of this post only reflect the views of Morris Blue, not the views of all BS contributors. You're more than welcome to disagree with Mo Blue by commenting.

Loisaida Sam Presents.....NOVEMBEARD!

2008-10-30T16:19:00.006-04:00

It's that time of the year again, folks. The leaves have fallen, it's getting cold in NYC, and we have finally figured out how to get rid of at least one turkey. With Halloween a mere matter of hours away, we wanted to share with y'all our plans for the great month of November and invite you to join us.

With November comes Novembeard, a time-honored tradition in which testosterone-laden men set aside all hopes for "looking attractive" and "securing a one-night stand" and focus solely on growing the sweetest beard their little follicles will allow. Here at BS, we're brimming with excitement. We will be posting regular photo updates with the progress of Novembeard and awarding a special prize for the sweetest facial hair among a Novembeard participant. If you'd like to join us, here are the rules:

1. You must shave, not trim, but shave down to the skin TOMORROW, October, 31st, 2008 by Midnight.

2. You must not shave for the entire calendar month of November. Don't give me that shit about Thanksgiving with your grandmother or your boss being on your ass about your scruff by Week 2. If you can't hang, don't bother. More beard for us.

3. Send us some photos throughout the month, and most importantly, one final one right before you shave on Dec 1st.

4. We'll be hosting an end-of-Novembeard festive gathering (NOT a shaving party, that's disgusting) when it's all said and done. Come and get wasted with us and show off your sweet beard to the ladies (recommended; optional.) If the following picture is any indication, it's going to be a good month for the bearded. Cheers!

Ladies Love Novembeard...........Sometimes

It's the Economy, Stupid

2008-10-30T15:39:00.007-04:00

Alright so I've been taking a lot of heat lately for being "Unemployed." I don't want to split hairs here, but the truth of the matter is that I'm "Between Careers," so fuck you if you're "Too Cool" with your "Sweet Job" and everything to understand that. I've been looking for a couple weeks now, had multiple interviews and callbacks with some well-established companies, turned down an offer from a company that I later discovered on a website called RipOffReport.com (that was a close one), and am yet to have much luck despite my persistence. I've been pretty discouraged lately, so today I made a trip up to the NBA store to cheer myself up, like the good little consumer I am. I met a friend for lunch near Grand Central then started walking up to the store. On my way up, I passed by Grand Central and noticed the above line. What are those people doing, you ask? Waiting to meet Obama? Must have been something to do with the election, I thought to myself. These people are crazy. But then I kept walking. I walked around the block. I walked another half- block. I got around the corner to where Michael Jordan's Steakhouse is.

If you're not familiar with Grand Central, that's all the way the fuck around the corner from the main entrance. This many people couldn't be waiting to meet Obama, I thought, it had to be Oprah or Jesus or something. Everybody seemed to be holding something for someone to sign an autograph on. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to figure out what was going on. So, I walked up to some older, businessman type who was at the end of the line. I was shocked when I found out what the line was for. It wasn't to see Obama. It wasn't Philadelphia transplants looking to get back to Philly to celebrate the World Series win. It wasn't even to see Jesus, much to my surprise. The well-dressed, businessman type told me that everyone was in line for one reason: A Career Fair. Oh, ok. Makes sense. Everyone is holding resumes. Everyone is well-dressed. Silly me.

"So what time does it start?" I asked the man. Surely everyone was waiting for the doors to open so they could rush in and woo potential employers with their French Cuffs and their close shaves. "Already started," the man told me,"Started at noon." I looked at my phone. It was 2:15pm.

And then it hit me. Fuck. I might be "Between Careers" for the whole time I live in NYC. So congratulations on your "Sweet Job." Seriously, I mean that 100%. No sarcasm. Now find me one.

Possibly Related Listening (Manually Generated):
Time is Money, Styles P

Thriller is 25!

2008-10-30T14:34:00.005-04:00

As you probably already know, today is the 25th anniversary of the video release of Thriller by Michael Jackson, and to commemorate the occasion I decided to put the video on in the office for everyone to enjoy via MTV's dope new music video website (side note: this is the first cool thing MTV has done since 1997). I had to pause it at one point to let it buffer, and would you believe the freeze frame I captured?

Looks like MJ's gettin' kicked in the nuts!

Another side note - today's How-To of the day is about Learning Morse Code, so

..-. ..- -.-. -.- -.-- --- ..-

The B The O The B The B The Y......

2008-10-28T14:43:00.006-04:00

The D The I The G The I The T the A The L......DIGITAL!

It is with great pleasure and excitement that I announce that frequent BS reader and comment-dropper exrtaordinaire Robert "Bobby Digital" Leblanc, Jr. has entered into the blogosphere with the amazing "Digital Chaos Media." I'm not just blowing smoke up the kid's ass. Been there, done that, it was smelly. The blog is dope so far and shows mad promise, I'm especially keen on the Alan Houston/NBA Live '09 posting. Speaking of which, I just copped my copy of Live '09, and I gotta go try to play with the glitchy Alan Houston before they real-time update him right out of the game.

UPDATE: Go over there and check out Bobby's amazing article on Fantasy Basketball. My favorite quote: "Free throw percentage? (Please, if free-throws are too good for the Diesel then you know for damn sure they are too good for me… Hey FT%, tell me how my ass tastes…)"

Other Good News!

2008-10-27T13:38:00.004-04:00

So there's this "KIA Motors NBA Tip-off Celebration" in Union Square tomorrow, which is a brief walk from our confines on Loisaida Ave. I was going to go anyways; Walt Frazier and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar are meant to be there, and I can't miss an opportunity to see some ridiculous get-ups in person.

I mean, Frazier is an O.G. when it comes to flamboyant attire, and Kareem just doesn't know how to dress himself.

But I digress. As I was reading my favorite NBA blog Ball Don't Lie morning, something pretty cool happened. BDL editor and blogger extraordinaire wrote a post about the KIA Tip-Off Celebration and asked at the bottom if anyone in the NYC area was going. BAM! Your boy e-mailed Skeets and secured a potential guest-posting spot on the mighty Ball Don't Lie. The event goes from 7am-7pm, so there will be plenty to blog about. I'm going to try really hard to get Nate Robinson to dunk on me and have a picture taken of it. If all else fails, I should have some interesting pics/thoughts posted on BDL. So head over to Ball Don't Lie Wednesday morning, hopefully your boy Mo Blue and BS will get some plug on the site. Show your support and check it out. If it strikes you, drop a comment about how awesome the post is or something, I'd really appreciate it.

NBA Tomorrow

2008-10-27T13:16:00.008-04:00

Good News!

The NBA is back in our lives as of tomorrow night, tipping off with a rematch of last year' East Finals, the Celtics vs. the LeBrons. It should be a little different this time around, the Cavs have added point guard Mo Williams into the fold and the Cs have lost their 6-man and perennial ring-bearer James Posey. But the C's still have Paulie, the Cavs still have LeBron, and LeBron still has his mama, so suffice it to say that these two teams still don't like each other. This should be a great way to get the season started, and I wouldn't be surprised to find myself watching the Lakers and Blazers, the second game of the TNT doubleheader, at 10:30pm. But it's no secret that what I'm really excited about is Craig Sager's opening night suit. His suits during the ALCS were way too tasteful for my liking, i think it was cold in Boston. He never seems to disappoint during the NBA season, usually busting out his most outlandish attire. That being said, I'm going to go out on a limb and predict a predominantly orange suit. Any takers? I'll bet the shit out of this.

Its getting colder, the leaves are changing, and Josh Howard is making it rain.

2008-10-21T21:25:00.017-04:00

I know, Big Baby, I know. The Red Sox lost in Game 7, I'm shocked too. But don't worry, its your time to shine. Basketball season is upon us. And yes here at BS we are getting a little antsy (don't judge us because we won't change the channel on a 20 point blow-out of a pre-season game). Maybe we can hold our excitement a little better than Glen over here but we are still getting amped by making some predictions for the coming season. Let me share some of the talk that is going around the Loisaida Soda Cooler.

1. Brain Scalabrine discovers an old pair of chucks with the number 33 on them. When he wears them he harnessess the spirit of Larry Bird. New England embraces him. They make a Disney movie about it.

2. There is controversy over rookie of the year when Michael Beasley questions, "hasn't Greg Oden been in the league for like 15 years? He looks like he is 40." Everyone agrees.

3. Shawn Kemp finally makes a successful comeback, averages 19.6 ppg and 9.2 rpg, and has a baby with your mom. And your mom, and your mom, and your mom.....

4. Kobe tells Shaq how his ass tastes.

5. Lebron James accepts a $50 million contract from a basketball team in Greece after they convince him Athens is a suburb of New York City.

6. The Knicks win alot

7. RE: #6: Not!

8. Adriana Lima wakes up and smells the pudding. I mean, fuck. Marko Jaric? What a cruel, cruel world. In the post-Lima era, Jaric continues to suck.

9. Josh Howard becomes an all-star after Mo Blue smokes all of the marijuana in the world.

10. NBA Champion: The Fans

Well 10 modest predictions. Will they come true? Won't they? We cannot predict that but all we can know is this will be an amazing NBA season. Enjoy.

So I Lied...A Serious Post About the Economy

2008-10-20T15:28:00.011-04:00

Alright so I didn't exactly give up on blogging today...i am recovering from the shock that was last night...slowly.

I'm going to take a quick turn to an issue we haven't discussed yet here on BS. Everywhere, especially in New York, the economy sucks. I mean, its horrible. It's the most important issue in the 2008 election - Joe the Plumber anyone? The financial district and midtown NYC have been given a facelift, for better or worse, and things aren't looking up anytime soon. (So they tell me anyways, I'm really just regurgitating information. I don't know shit about the economy.)

One thing that I do know, and that we all know, is that the state of the economy is certainly not going to get any s0rt of quick fix without a little outside-the-box thinking. My plan from the outset of the economic downturn has been to capitalize on the philanthropic spirit of America's most publicly revered asset: our celebrities. Just think - if the fed or some high-ranking government officials were able to convince Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to make a sex tape for global distribution in order to kick-start our economy, it would sell like hot cakes. Millions of people would be interested in this - it would defy gender, race, sexual orientation. I mean, everyone would watch that. My mom would watch that. And that doesn't even gross me out. It would be natural.

The Nailin' Palin experiment is a cute idea, but honestly? Fuck that shit. Brad and Angelina would dominate that little film.

I know that sooner or later some government higher-ups will come knocking on my door to borrow my idea, if they don't just steal that shit outright. I know this, because there are absolutely no flaws in my plan. Brad and Angelina having sex on film would automatically vault U.S. back into the #1 spot. It's soooooo obvious.

In the meantime, we continue to suffer. So I offer this piece of advice to all my friends in the finance world: HAHAHAHA SUCKAS YOU WENT TO FOUR YEARS OF COLLEGE AND STUDIED SOME BORING ASS SHIT BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO MAKE YOU STACK PAPER. DOESNT SEEM LIKE THE BEST IDEA RIGHT NOW DOES IT? SUCKS TO BE YOU. (If that rant just pissed you off, I would recommend not clicking on the link.)

Possibly Related Listening (Manually Generated):
Money on My Mind (Off the Carter II) - Lil' Wayne

No Blog Today

2008-10-20T13:24:00.004-04:00

i wont be doing any blogging today, as i am busy fucking the MLB in its fucking face. in the meantime, cheer up kiddies! The NBA is only 8 days away! C's vs. the Lebrons on opening night next Tuesday, you know Craig Sager has been saving a special suit for opening night. In the meantime, please enjoy this gem of a photoshop project, starring everyone's favorite former Celtic, Wally Szczerbiak. Remember young scrappers, always eat your veggies.

I hope I eat my words tonight....

2008-10-19T19:13:00.004-04:00

Titties!

Obligatory Red Sox Post b/c Loisaida Sam Hates It

2008-10-17T16:32:00.004-04:00

Holy shit that was awesome last night. I mean, to turn sheer misery into childish, unbridled joy like that? Titttiiiiieeeeeeeeeesssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!

Am I Related to Andy Samberg?

2008-10-17T15:22:00.003-04:00

All this talk and recent popularity of Andy Samberg has made me question whether I myself am related to Andy Samberg.

Lets go over the facts.

1. His last name is Samberg - my mom's last name is Samberg.

2. Big nose (its all good - oxygen is free).

3. The resemblance is uncanny:

You judge for yourself...

Marky Mark responds!!!

2008-10-17T15:11:00.002-04:00

Say hello to your mother for me...

1979-1989: Greatest Comedy Decade Ever?

2008-10-17T10:33:00.010-04:00

To appease my Loisaida amigo, I will stray from the sports talk for a bit and waste a little bit of time on the job discussing an unparalleled decade in cinema comedy. This is obvioulsy going to be up for much debate, but just looking at the plethora of comedies and comedians starring in these movies is undeniable. The reason I went with 1979 and not 1990 on the other end is one reason and one reason only. Maybe the reason I love 80's comedies so much, The Jerk. This is Steve Martin at his peak. At this point in his career he would laughed at the cheesiness of Cheaper by the Dozen. This man definitly makes it into my list of top 5 comedic actors of the 80's.

The Jerk started this decade off on an amazing note and the hits just kept coming. The very next year people, Caddyshack. I challenge you to play a round of golf and not at least once reference this movie. Chevy Chase, Bill Murray, and Rodney Dangerfield (two more of my top 5 in those 3) brilliant! This just started the comedy brilliance that is the comedy team. Bill Murray goes on to do Ghostbusters with Dan Akroyd (let me not forget DA did The Blues Brothers the same year as Caddyshack). What a run for him. A little later Steve Martin, Chevy Chase, and Martin Short get together for one of our greater influences, The Three Amigos. The same year Ghostbusters came Eddie Murphy and Dan Akroyd get together and deliver comedic gold with Trading Places. This is a movie I have had a on repeat the last few weeks and if you need convincing watch the scene when they are all on the train trying to steal the crop reports, if you don't laugh at Eddie Murphy's character than stop reading right now.

Eddie finishes off the decade with a couple Beverly Hills Cop movies (admittedly never seen but heard good things) and Coming to America (look out for the homless Dukes in this one).

And on a side note another thing that makes these movies so appealing is the unnecessary but much welcomed nudity that we just don't see in comedies today.

Obviously I've left many movies and actors off this entry, so feel free to comment with some additional entries and points but the point is; go back to your roots and discover the golden age of comedy.

And for all you Loisaida Sams out there monitering this blog...RED SOX!

Gold Jacket, Green Jacket, Who Gives a Shit?

2008-10-16T16:14:00.010-04:00

Alright, my postings here on Bulletproof Sombreros have been fairly limited thus far as I've been busy, but I just can't idly stand by for this...

(Also, a pre-emptive apology to my fellow BS posters for my insensitivity towards their team losing)

Playoffs or not, I simply do not give a fuck about the Boston Red Sox and I'll be damned if 1,305 words (3 pages, 5,668 chars no spaces, 6948 w/ spaces, 27 paragraphs) in a row of sweet blog space will be wasted with this nonsense! I could stand for a small article here or there, but I can barely read as it is, and these BoSox articles are long! This is not a Boston Red Sox blog, its a Loisaida blog, so lets get this thing back on track.

How about instead of talking about baseball playoffs ::yawn:: we mention how fuckin' sweet James Bond looked in that Neru Jacket in the first Bond film, Dr. No.

Or how about how fucking awesome the new TV On The Radio Album is.

Come on man, the Boston Red Sox? Up until Brady's injury, the city of Boston's sports teams have had a monopoly on all important victories for the past decade. I'm tired of seeing them win. I have more sympathy for Richie Tenenbaum in the scene when his step-sister Margot gets married resulting in 72 unforced errors in his tennis match than I do for the Red Sox losing in the playoffs.

That said, anyone else watch Cool Runnings on TNT last night?

Derice Bannock: "Boston, ya dead?"
Sanka Coffie: "Ya mon, I'm dead."

Let's Make It A Lucky Night

2008-10-16T15:22:00.002-04:00

Its coming up on game 5 of the ALCS and again we face a humiliating elimination in the post-season. My colleague Mo Blue already went in to quite a bit of detail about the lack of faith this time around so I am going to stay away from what to expect and look to a key factor for our down fall the last few games. Many people maybe looking to blame the Red Sox pitching for this epic downfall at the hands of the least experienced MLB team to reach the ALCS ever. But there are certain intangibles that have to be effecting the mentality of the clubhouse right now. Namely, the greatest post-season clutch hitter of all time is throwing up a goose egg for homeruns this post-season. I would consider this about as clutch as everybody's favorite 1986 scapegoat. David Oritz has been lack luster and I have begun to show more faith in the late game heroics of Jed Lowrie than David Ortiz at this point. Yes we still have had some production from regular season MVP (prediction) Dusty Pedroia, Jason Bay and some meaningless late inning RBIs from Youk, but it has gotten to the point even if Dusty does get on base, Ortiz is more of a Double-play threat than a home run threat. The sad thing is Jason Bay has been hitting like crazy this post season but its scary to say the Rays will be fine giving up a solo home-run if Longoria keeps upping the ante every time he steps up to the plate.

While my fire that was once my anticipation for another World Series win is now nothing more than a candle in the sun (tokin Jay-z reference) I might be a able to shine a little brighter if Ortiz can drop a bomb on me early tonight and maybe you'll see that fire again all the way from NY.

I'd Say More Like One Out of a Million

2008-10-15T15:10:00.007-04:00

....So you're telling me there's a chance?!?!

Well, not really. The Red Sox' chances of advancing in the postseason after falling down 3-1 to the Tampa Bay Rays are about as good as Lloyd's chances of landing Mary in Dumb & Dumber. We all know that the Red Sox have been here before - but my question to you is this:

Doesn't it feel different this time around?

At the height of my cocky fanhood*, I remember feeling like the Red Sox couldn't be beat - down 3-1 to the Indians during last years ALCS, I remember telling my dad on the phone that everything would be alright. Does anyone feel like that this time around? OK, so maybe it was naive of me to think that the Sox would be able to come back from down 3-1 to the Indians last year, especially with 2007's best 1-2 pitching duo of Cash Cow Sabathia and Fausto Carmona.

But they had been there before, right?

Yes, and it was even worse then. I'm not going to re-hash the well-documented details of the 2004 ALCS, but suffice it to say that the Sox' comeback from being down 3-0 is probably the single greatest experience a fan could ever ask for and was a ballsy effort by a bunch of 'idiots,' a free spirit that seems to be missing from this year's team.

I'm not trying to say that there are character issues with the Sox. In fact, it's quite the opposite. During the last few games fellow BS contributor Lucky Day and I have been commenting on a small, but telling aspect of the Red Sox that doesn't have anything to do with the play on-field:

Their Swagger is gone.

Obviously losing will do that to you, but you could argue that this has been happening for quite some time now. To help illustrate an aspect of my point, I am now going to be extremely blunt: we have too many preppy, New England-ready white boys on our team. Now I'm not trying to make this a race issue, even though I just did, but come on, there is something going on there. Just like there is something going on with Omar Minaya and Los Mets. I obviously don't have any problem with the Mets hiring loads of Hispanic players, but look at their roster - it's not a coincidence.

It makes sense, though. If you're a Red Sox fan, you've most likely noticed this in some capacity. Your uncle, your father, your brother, your room mate - one of your fellow Red Sox fans hates Manny and loves Jason Bay**. Maybe you do. Everyone's entitled to their own opinion, so more power to you. But what's with all the subconscious favoritism? Don't tell me it's not there - it's the same reason that Brian Scalabrine gets cheered at the Garden. Trust me, it's not his stats.

As fans, we can only understand so much about a player. Our perceptions of them are determined by how they perform on the field, what they say in postgame interviews, what we read on the blogosphere, and what the omnipotent ESPN tells us. Therefore, it's easy to get caught up in appearances. And I don't have to tell you about the demographic breakdown of New England.

Race aside, in 2004 they had hair. And beards. This year, the whole team shaved off their beards and donated them to the area surrounding Kevin Youkilis' Goatee. And they have necklaces. Lots of them. With titanium or some shit. Woo-hoo!

As a franchise, the Rays have been to less postseason games then me and my Dad. So of course the Red Sox were going to wipe the floor with them. But the Rays have those god-awful Ray-hawks. And kids getting suspended from schools for wearing Ray-hawks. Even their manager Joe Maddon has a Ray-hawk. Both teams have character. But the Rays have a team character. They have the Swagger the Red Sox had in 2004. And the Red Sox, have, well.....

If anyone has confidence that the Sox will climb out of this 3-1 hole, please let me know. I'll be the first to get a Red-hawk if they do come back. But unlike 2004 and 2007, it certainly doesn't look or feel like they are poised for a comeback.

There is one glimmer of hope for Red Sox fans to hold on to. Conventional wisdom says you have to try to end the series as soon as possible if you're up 3-1, but it almost seems as if the Rays are trying to conserve for Game 6. Instead of going for the jugular tomorrow night with Big Game James Shields, the Rays have decided to put Scott Kazmir back up on the hill for game 5 despite his sub-par game 2 performance. If Daisuke Matsusaka can give the Sox another strong start, it'll be 3-2 heading back to Tampa Bay.

So you're telling me there's a chance?!?!

*R.I.P., my cocky fanhood July 31, 2007 - September 7th, 2008: I gave birth to you like a child on the day KG was traded to the Celtics from the Timberwolves. No parent should have to bury a child. You died abruptly during the first quarter of the first game of the 2008 New England Patriots' regular season. You will forever be missed.

**Must-read for all Red Sox fans: "Manny Being Manipulated" by Bill Simmons. Kudos to Ted for making me privy to that article.

Welcome New Readers!

2008-10-15T11:42:00.002-04:00

The Best Website Ever

2008-10-15T11:35:00.003-04:00

I swear we didn't make this website, just stumbled across it a couple mornings ago. It's the Loisaida's version of a cheap flipbook and it's awesome. Location: Loisaida Ave (you betta aks somebody) and 3rd street.

Loisaida Beer Math

2008-10-13T12:47:00.010-04:00

This isn't some sort of photoshop trick. Our local beer store, Fine Fare, recently had a special: $13.99 for an 18-pack of Coors Light. The only problem: The cost of a 12-pack of Coors Light, $13.99. Quite a conundrum for the average, non-calculator wielding consumer. Needless to say, we were quite perplexed. After running some quick numbers, we finally determined the economical choice:

30 Racks! Ok, so maybe my math failed me and maybe when we got home we figured out it wasn't more economical than the 18-pack, but it was 100% worth it for the looks we got when I walked down Loisaida Ave with a Maine-like quantity of Coors Lights. Let's Vent!

No Romo....Literally.

2008-10-13T11:53:00.004-04:00

It is with a heavy heart that I report that the 2008-09 Dallas Cowboys' downward spiral has just been accelerated faster than a Coors Light Wide Mouth Vented Can with a big ass dent in it. Our boy and Cowboys quarterback Tony "No" Romo is out at least four weeks with a broken pinkie on his throwing hand. Suffice it to say that lifelong Boys fan and Bulletproof Sombreros contributor Loisaida Sam is devastated. The fate of America's Team now lies in the hands of Brad Johnson. My advice for Romo and the Boys? Forget the X's and O's. It's time to capitalize on the injury with shameless merchandise sales, a la Kobe's pinky and Lakers Nation:

For the Tony Romo edition, I suggest that the middle finger reads "No" and the pinky reads "Romo," because unfortunately, Cowboys fans are going to have to get used that phrase.

Tom Brady Don't Play No Defense

2008-10-13T11:09:00.008-04:00

Correction to the last post: WE fear change.

The Patriots lost 30-10 to the Chargers last night in prime time, with the Pats looking like they didn't even belong on the same field as the Bolts. To quote a classic film: "I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked-up bar." Why are we stuck in bizzaro world? Early in this calendar year Patriots fans were pushing to copyright "19-0." This year? SportsCenter's Hannah Storm just told me "Without Tom Brady, these Patriots are a different team." No shit Hannah. Last night, Matt Cassel missed a wide open Randy Moss by 10-15 yards while Moss was in the end zone. He was also sacked four times. But the most disappointing thing about the Matt Cassel era? To me its our defense. To quote one of the smartest men I have ever met, "Tom Brady don't play no fuckin' defense." And that's the saddest part.

No Romo

2008-10-12T19:45:00.003-04:00

Blocked punt for a game ending touchdown.... what is going on with the NFL. The parody that is the NFL keeps shocking and awing any unsuspecting fan this season. Coming into the season if you were from southern California, central Texas, or the Northeast you saw nothing but celebrations and ticker tape parades in January. Now its October and southern California and the Northeast are hoping the MLB playoffs never end and central Texas can only hope TO has enough Kleenex for the rest of the season. I love competition but I fear change.

Loisaida Soda

2008-10-12T18:01:00.004-04:00

If you want to taste Loisaida try some authentic Loisaida Soda.

In a standard pint glass:
1 shot Tequilla
Fill glass with equal parts lite beer and pinapple juice.

If necessary throw some ginger ale or sprite for some extra fizz.

All the other senses you'll just have to visit.

Google Better Recognize...

2008-10-11T16:05:00.004-04:00

Its official ladies and gentleman. After years of lobbying from the Three Amigos, Loisaida is now an official neighborhood recognized by Google Maps. This movement is going beyond Ave C. The lines of the east village and the lower east side have been blurred for years. Meanwhile it is Loisaida that has snuck under the radar and is on the rise and establishing itself as the up and coming neighborhood of 2008 and beyond. Suck it Gramercy.

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Craig Sager's Worst Suits

2008-10-10T15:26:00.003-04:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I am fascinated with the human fashion abomination known as Craig Sager (Evidence to support that claim). I can't explain why, but for some reason seeing this TBS sports commentator match various pastels and flamboyant patterns in completely nonsensical ways is sometimes the highlight of my NBA and MLB viewing experience. In fact, my one major beef with the 2008 Olympics (opening ceremony hijinks and 14-year old gymnasts aside) was that Sager was forced to wear the same tired ass polos that every other commentator wore. (Sorry, this "artistic" back-shot of CS talking to LeBron is all I could find, you get the idea.)

Today I stumbled across the aforelinked website which highlighted some of Sager's worst outfits. It also reminded me of this gem of an interview that Sager had with Kevin Garnett last year after that home game when the Cs embarrassed the Knicks 104-59. Let's just say KG doesn't hold anything back.....

Daisuke Matsuzaka Nike 1World AF1

2008-10-10T14:13:00.009-04:00

In anticipation of Dice-K's start tonight, I thought this would be interesting. After letting Ladanian Tomlinson of the San Diego Chargers and ?uestlove from the Roots customize Air Force 1s for Nike's 1World program, the folks at Nike teamed up with Matzusaka for the design of this shoe. (More pics here) Since Dice-K's hair changes seemingly every time he pitches, I figured the dude was fashion forward. But this shoe? Highlights include horse hair on the front outer panel and a leather that resembles dragon skin on the back panel and around the laces. I never liked orange shoes with respect to maybe a hi-top pair of chucks for strictly formal occasions, but I think I could make an exception for this pair. I mean, horse hair on your feet! Who doesn't want that? If we win the Red Sox win the World Series this year, I might be forced to hop a flight to Tokyo and cop me a pair.

ALCS Game 1: Boston Red Sox (95-67) vs. Tampa Bay Rays (97-65) Tonight, 8:37pm

2008-10-10T13:26:00.013-04:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,
Starting at 3B and playing cleanup tonight for the visiting
Boston Red Sox........Yukon Cornelius!

Bill Walker Posterizes Theo Ratliff

2008-10-10T11:24:00.003-04:00

The Celtics literally stole former Kansas St. small forward Bill Walker from the Washington Wizards by cutting them a six-figure check on draft night in exchange for the rights to Walker. Doc Rivers has been raving about this rookie throughout training camp, and he didn't disappoint in his first preseason game, blessing the sporting world with this highlight. If you're a C's fan and you haven't seen this yet, enjoy. If you're a Sixers fan, avert your eyes....

The reaction from the bench at the end of the video shows how excited this team is about the prospects of Walker. After playing alongside Michael Beasley in college and O.J. Mayo in high school, this kid is used to playing on the big stage and he certainly looked the part on Wednesday night. I'm really looking forward to this kid working his way into the rotation and getting some meaningful PT. Oh, and yes, I can call him a kid. He was born in '87.

Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals

2008-10-08T13:30:00.003-04:00

This is from Saturday Night Live this past Saturday. I was at the rehearsal earlier in the night and thought this was hands-down the funniest sketch of the evening. Andy Samberg's Marky Mark impression is on point. (Now I'm gonna talk to a goat!) If you haven't seen this yet, enjoy . And say hi to your mother for me, alright?

Fiesta Friday On A Saturday: The Playlist

2008-10-07T21:28:00.005-04:00

On September 20th, we officially introduced ourselves to Loisaida Ave with a festive housewarming gathering that was both critically acclaimed and well-received.

I just threw up the soundtrack for that evening on the page for your aural pleasure. It starts with the new DJ AM/Travis Barker Album "Fix Your Face," followed by a mix of classic songs immediately followed by hip-hop songs that sampled them. Enjoy.

A Little Bit About Us...

2008-10-07T18:25:00.006-04:00

Wherever there is injustice, you will find us. Wherever there is suffering, we'll be there. Wherever liberty is threatened, you will find...

The Three Loisaida Amigos

2008-10-07T13:02:00.001-04:00